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Who Let the Dogs In/Transcript
(Exterior -- Reynolds House, backyard. Olive enters with a dog.) Sydney: Rocco! Olive: Sorry, we're late. One of us had to stop and sniff every tree, post, and bush on the way here. (whispers) It was Rocco. Sydney: (baby talk) Good Rocco! Who's a good Rocco? Olive: Why don't I ever get that kind of greeting? Sydney: Sorry. (baby talk) Good Olive! Who's a good Olive? Olive: I am. Rocco's really gonna miss the visits. Sydney: What do you mean, "miss"? Olive: This is the last time I get to walk Rocco for my neighbor. Mrs. Schuster has gotten too old take care of him and has to find a new home. Sydney: Olive! Rocco's being given away? Olive: Sydney, I don't think he can understand you. :(whimpers) Olive: But just in case... I'd take him, but I already have a cat and four brothers. My mom said we already have too many animals. Sydney: Then I'll take him. Olive: What? Your dad won't let you have a dog. Sydney: I know, he always says, "Maybe next year". But you know what? This year is the next year. Every year I ask him, like a little girl with big, puppy-dog eyes: "Daddy, can I pwease have a dog?" But this time, I'm gonna lay out my argument. Like the responsible woman I've become. Olive: Yeah, you're right. Puppy-dog eyes never work. :(Rocco whimpers) Olive: (baby talk) Unless they're from a puppy! :THEME (Interior -- Reynolds house, living room. Sydney: Hello, father. Thanks for coming. I know we all have busy schedules. Max: (yawning) No problem. I was just taking a nap. So, what's this about? And why you dressed like you're about to fire me? Sydney: I don't want to start the meaning until everyone hets here, so... in the meantime, have a, snackmingle. Judy: Sorry I'm late. I had to get something. Max: Holy schnikes, you got a tattoo? Judy: That's right, pappy. It's time I got some ink. Max: "O.G"? Sydney: Bet that means, "Original Grandma". Judy: You so get me! Anyway, this one's just temporary. Max: Oh, thank goodness. Judy: Until I find the right one. It's either this or... Sydney: All right, how about we hold off on the tatt-chat and get down to business? Max: Any idea what this is about? Judy: Not a clue. Sydney: Dad, would you say, in the last year I've become a more responsible, mature person? Max: Absolutely. Sydney: Then let me present to you "The year of the Dog". Meet Rocco. He loves chew toys, belly rubs, and running in circles until he gets dizzy. Judy: Aww. Max: Oh boy. Sydney: Now, I know in the past, you thought I wasn't ready for a dog, but let's review the data, shall we? As you can see, there's a sharp uptick in me getting my chores done. Judy: Wow, I am super impressed with that trend line. Max: Okay, Syd, I agree. You're doing great. But taking care of a dog is a huge deal. Who's gonna walk it when you're busy? Sydney: That's a great question, Reynolds. Olive: video I'm locked and loaded and ready to scoop. Max: Okay, but a dog costs money. Sydney: Who's gonna pay the vet bills? I don't know, who? Judy: video Grandma's gonna make it rain for Rocco! Woo-hoo! Max: I thought you didn't know about this. Judy: I'm a silent investor. Sydney: In closing, we have better grades, chores done, poop scooped, and bills covered. All pointing to one conclusion. This is the year Sydney gets a dog. :(cheering) :(fireworks whistling) Judy: Get it, girl! Max: Wow. Sydney, you put a lot of work into that, and Rocco sure is cute. But I'm sorry, honey. I have to say no. Sydney: What? Seriously? Why? Max: There's a big difference between making a presentation and having a living, breathing dog. Trust me, whitin a week, everything will go south. Sydney: Dad, you're being so unfair. Max: I'm sorry, Syd. That's my decision... Judy: Wow. I've been wondering where Scronge hangs out between holidays. Max: Seriously? Where was this cool O.G. when I wanted a pet? :to 1992 Young Max: It's time, Leo I'm getting a dog. Leo: Oh, you're getting a dog. I've got your back. Young Max: Hi, Mom. Tough day? I bet you could use a nice glass of cold iced tea. Judy: That's so sweet. What do you want? Young Max: Mom, I've been thinking. You know what this family really needs? Judy: A second income? That would be great. It would probably involve you dropping out of school, but where is that really going anyway? Young Max: What this family needs is a dog. Judy: No! Young Max: Wait, you didn't hear me out. Judy: Trust me. I listened a lot longer than I wanted to. Who's going to walk the dog while you're at school? Young Max: Uh... Judy: Who's gonna clean up after it while you're at the skate park? Oh, and what about food? Vet bills? Grooming? Leo: Valid points! We're waiting. Judy: Max, having a dog is a big responsibility. You can't even keep your room clean. Young Max: That is so not true. Judy: Should I go check it right now? Leo: I wouldn't. Judy: Sorry, Max. This is not happening. Leo: I can't believe she said no. :back to present day :(knocks) Sydney: Hey, Olive. 'Sup? Olive: Bad news: they found a new owner for Rocco. We'll never see him again. Sydney: Oh, no. That is bad news. Except for one thing.. I'm his new owner! Olive: Rocco! I knew your dad would change his mind! Sydney: I know! Except he didn't! Olive: What? Your dad doesn't know about Rocco? Sydney: My dad said having a dog would be a disaster. But if I can keep Rocco here for a week and he doesn't even notice, he'll have to let me keep him. Olive: That's brilliant! But moving forward, I think we should have code names. I'll be "Dr. Pancake". :(whimpers) Olive: Oh, would you look at that? He needs to go out. Sydney: Oh, I better do it before... Max: Syd, I'm home! Sydney: ...that happens! Hey, Dad! (to Olive) What is he doing here? He isn't supposed to be home till six. You think Rocco hold it? :(whimpers) Olive: Depends. How much do you like that rug? Sydney: Guess who! Max: We haven't played this game in years! Whoever this is... Is it Grandma Judy? Sydney: No. Max: Is it Bigfoot? Sydney: No. Max: Is it Sydney? Sydney: (nervous chuckle) No. Max: You're pressing kind of hard there, honey. I don't like tihs game anymore. How about we play a new game: Dad Makes a Snack. Sydney: No, wait! Olive: Oh! Hi! I was just-- Hi! Max: Hi, Olive. Sydney: Dad, how about something from the fridge? Like a quesadilla? Max: Que bueno! I forgot the cheese. Sydney: Not in the mood for cheese. Max: What? You can't have a quesadilla without the queso! Then it's just a "dilla". Whatever that is. You know, peppers would be good in this. Sydney: Hate peppers. Peppers bad. Olive: The worst. Max: Then mushrooms it is. Judy: 'Sup, fam? Sydney: Whoa, Grandma. You got another tattoo. Dad, check it out. Judy: My ink man convinced me to really go for it, so I'm trying out a rattlesnake. Max: My mother is not walking around with a snake on her arm. Judy: Not when she's already got a buzzkill son on her back. Am I right, girls? Max: Where'd they go? Judy: Probably to get some air. It's getting a little judge-y in here. (hissing) :to 1992 Young Max: I can't believe she won't let me get a dog. There is no way I'm eating my vegetables tonight. Leo: Come on, Max. Look on the bright side. The sun is shining, it's a beautiful day, and I'm wearing parachute pants. Judy: Hey, guys. Max, I know you're upset, but I want to know that I heard you. And even though your grades could be better-- a lot better, overall, you're a good kid, and I have a surprise for you. Young Max: You got me a dog? For real? I got a dog! I got a dog! Leo: You got a dog, you got a dog! Young Max: What? You got me a turtle? Leo: You got a turtle, you got a turtle! Judy: Consider it a starter pet. If you prove to me that you can take care of this turtle, then when the time's right, I'll get you a dog. Leo: When the time is right, the time is right! Judy: Enjoy! And remember, this is one of God's creatures. So if you crush it, it's not returnable. :back to present day :(knocking on door, in intervals) Sydney: I was only halfway through the secret knock. Olive: That could have been anybody. Sydney: Ready for transfer? Olive: Ready. Sydney: All right, feeding time. Then we walk him, because in exactly three seconds, my dad will yell... Max: Hey Syd, I'm going to the gym! Sydney: But first, he's gotta find his keys. Max: Have you seen my keys? Sydney: 'They're by the microwave! '''Max: '''Got 'em! '''Sydney:'Then he pretends he bangs his head on the cabinet. :(thuds) 'Max: '''Ow! Kidding! '''Sydney: '''Got me again, Dad! Man, Rocco. It's almost too (sneezes)... easy. '''Olive: '''Still sneezing? '''Sydney: '''Yeah, must have a cold coming on. '''Olive: '''That wasn't your cold sneeze. Your cold sneeze is more like... (high-pitched sneeze) But you sneezed like... this (low-pitched sneeze) '''Sydney: '''We spend a lot of time together, don't we? (sneezes, sniffles) '''Olive: '''Oh, no. Sydney, I think you're allergic to Rocco. '''Sydney: '''I am not. '''Olive: '''Oh really? Let's try a little experiment. (panting) Pet me. '''Sydney: '''What? No! '''Olive: '''I wanna prove something. Pet me. '''Sydney: '(in baby talk) Good girl! 'Olive: '''Now pet Rocco. '''Sydney: '''There, are you ha--ha--hap-py? (sneezes) Okay, maybe I'm a little allergic, but I'm not getting rid of Rocco. '''Olive: '''Good news, you don't have to. You'll just have to build up a tolerance by spending time with him. Exposure to the disease is how vaccines work. '''Sydney: '''So the more I hang with Rocco, the less allergic I'll be? '''Olive: '''According to the coloring book in my doctor's office. :to 1992 '''Young Max: '''Come on, do something! Come! Shake! Roll over! '''Leo: '''Even on fast-forward it looks like he's doing nothing. '''Young Max:'This turtle's totally useless. Hey, you wanna see something else he can't do? Skateboard. Like I said, Leo, useless. 'Leo: '''Max! '''Young Max: '''Whoa! '''Leo: '''He's a skateboarder, just like you! Maybe better. '''Young Max: '''That was incredible! You're incredible. I'm gonna name you, "Hawk". '''Leo: '''After something that can eat him? That's cold. '''Young Max: '''No, after Tony Hawk, the most rad skateboarder in the world. Meet Hawk, the coolest turtle in the world. :(toots) '''Young Max: 'video And they lived happily ever after. The end. :back to present day 'Sydney: '(blows nose) '''Max: '''Syd. '''Sydney: '''Hey, Dad. (sneezes) '''Max: '''Wow, you've been sneezing a lot lately. I think you might be allergic to something. '''Sydney: '''No, I'm not. It's just a cold. '''Max: '''No, your cold sneeze sounds like this... (high-pitched sneeze) '''Sydney: '''People pay way too much attetion to me. '''Max: And your eyes are kind of red. 'Sydney: '''That's because I was crying. I just watched a really sad movie. '''Max: '''And it made you itch? '''Sydney: '''That's how sad it was. '''Max: '''Nope, you're allergic to something. I'm gonna get to the bottom of what's causing this. It is somewhere in this house, and I'm gonna find it. You have my promise. '''Sydney: '(sneezes, sniffles) 'Max: '''I'm gonna change my shirt, but you still have my promise. '''Sydney: '''Believe it or not, I think I'm doing better. (blowing nose loudy) '''Olive: 'phone Sorry, I couldn't hear you over that elephant. So what's gonna happen when your dad looks around to see what you're allergic to? He's gonna find Rocco in your room! 'Sydney: '''I'll stop him with three little words: "Private girl stuff". '''Olive: '''Whoa, that even makes me uncomfortable. '''Max: '''Sydney? '''Sydney: '''Oh, gotta go. Bye. '''Max: '''Syd, come on down! '''Sydney: '''What's going on, Dad? '''Max: '''You remember Don and his son Kyle, they used to live around the corner? '''Sydney: '''Yeah, I remember. 'Don: 'Hi, Sydney. 'Kyle: 'Hey, Syd! '''Sydney: '''Good to see you! What are they doing here? '''Max: '''Don's an industrial cleaner. I got thinking about your allergies, and I decided to call in the big guns. '''Sydney: '''Really? Can't we do it ourselves? Make it a fun father-daughter project? '''Don: '''I wouldn't call pulling a rat out of furnace "family fun time". '''Kyle: '''You promised me no rats this time! '''Max: '''Why don't you guys start upstairs? It's sneeze central. '''Sydney: '''No, no. Not my room. I've got girl stuff in there. Private girl stuff. Tons of it. '''Don: '''Don't worry. I've got five daughters. I've seen it all. '''Max: '''See, Sydney? This guy's a pro. Nothing's gonna shock him. '''Don: '''Not after Wednesday. '''Sydney: '''Let me go first. '''Max: '''Don, I want you to turn this room upside down. '''Don. '''Ah, don't worry. We'll clean it from top to bottom. Probably start with this closet here. '''Sydney: '''No! Dad, I'm sorry. '''Max: '''For what? '''Sydney: '''It's... a mess. I mean, look. The shorts are in with the jeans. '''Max: '''When you're done here, do her bathroom. I'll show you where it is. '''Sydney: '''I'll show them! (quietly) Rocco? '''Don: '''Okay, first thing we'll do is steam-clean these tiles. If there's mold in your grout, we'll get it out. '''Kyle: '''I came up with that. It's, uh, it's on our van. '''Don: '''Kyle's the writer in the family. '''Max: '''Well, I'm just glad you guys are here. I'll show you the rest of the dust trap we call a house. '''Judy: '''Are they gone? '''Sydney: '''Rocco! Grandma, how'd you know? '''Judy: '''One of my slippers was chewed, and your father hasn't chewed slippers in years. '''Sydney:'What am I gonna do? 'Judy: '''This is between you and your dad. In the meantime, you didn't hear it from me, but my bedroom is a really good hiding place. '''Sydney: '''Thanks. You're the best. '''Judy: '''I just did what any chill grandma would do. '''Sydney: '''I can't wait till I get my first tattoo. '''Judy: '''Over my dead body. to 1992 '''Young Max: 'recording Surrender earthlings! (breathes like Darth Vader) Resistance is futile! Submit to your turtle overlords! ended 'Leo: '''Dang, tape ran out. And that was Hawk's best performance yet. I mean, I was ready to surrender. '''Young Max: '''He's an awesome skateboarder, a natural actor. Is there anything Hawk can't do? '''Leo:'Jump, but that's nitpicking. Come on, I got some blank tapes at my house. 'Young Max: '''Cool. We'll be right back. Stay here and guard the mothership. back to present day '''Max: '''So, how's it goin'? '''Don: '''Well, we sanitized every inch of the place. Whatever it was that was causing your little girl's allergies is most likely gone. '''Max: '"Most likely"? You're better than that, Don. 'Don: '''I hated it when it came out of my mouth. The only other thing it could be is mold in your walls, but we'd have to put a tiny hole in the wall to check. '''Max: '''Then let's do it. You said a tiny hole! '''Don: '''Size is very subjective. '''Sydney: '''Dad, what are you doing? '''Max: '''We're checking for mold. '''Sydney: '''Wait! Dad, it's not mold. I know what I'm allergic to. '''Max: '''You do? '''Sydney: '''Yes. Rocco! (whimpers) '''Max: '''What? How long has he been here? '''Sydney: '''Well, there's seven dog years for every human one, so if you divide-- '''Max: '''Sydney! '''Sydney: '''Five days. '''Max: '''Five days? Guys, can you give us a moment? '''Sydney: '(sneezes) 'Max: '''You too, Rocco. '''Kyle: '''Come on, boy. '''Sydney: '''Dad, I'm so, so sorry. I don't blame you for being angry. You said I couldn't have a dog, and I went behind your back. '''Max: '''Sydney-- '''Sydney: '''But I only did it because you were being totally unreasonable. Not that that's an excuse. '''Max: '''Sydney-- '''Sydney: '''I just wanted to prove to you having a dog in the house wouldn't change anything. '''Max: '''Sydney! '''Sydney: '''What? '''Max: '''I understand. '''Sydney: '''You do? '''Max: '''Yeah. I was being unreasonable about you getting a dog, and you deserve to know why. When I was your age, I had a pet turtle, Hawk. He was the coolest turtle in the world. '''Sydney: '"Hawk", as in your hero, Tony Hawk? '''Max: '''You got it. I loved the turtle. We did everything together. But one day, I stupidly left the front door open, and he ran way. We looked for him everywhere, but I never saw him again. I was devastated. '''Sydney: '''Dad, I'm so sorry. '''Max: '''And that's why I've been weird about you having a dog. I don't want you to feel that sense of loss. '''Sydney: '''Dad, I appreciate you trying to protect me, but I can't live my whole life afraid something bad's gonna happen. '''Max: '''Wow. You are so much wiser than I was at your age. Or my age. Oh, would've loved Hawk. '''Sydney: '''Dad... '''Max: '''He was an amazing skateboarder, not to mention an accomplished actor. '''Sydney: '''Dad! '''Max: '''What? '''Sydney: '''Look. '''Max: '''Not, it's impossible. Hawk? Hawk! '''Sydney: '''Dad, he didn't run away! He must have been living in the walls all these years. How'd he survive? '''Mike: '''I don't know! Look how big he is! Hawk, it's me, Max. I'm bigger, too! Yeah, I went to college, I opened a bike shop. You know, we'll just catch up later. '''Sydney: '''Hi, Hawk. I'm Sydney. Welcome back to the inside of the house. My dad really missed you. '''Max: '''Syd, are you still looking for a pet? '''Sydney: '''Seriously? You'd let me have him? '''Max: '''I can't think of a better person. '''Sydney: '''Yes! (in baby talk) Who's the best turtle in the whole world? You are. And you're pretty great too, Dad. (in baby talk) Yes, you are. '''Sydney: '''I'm so glad you can take him, Kyle... '''Kyle: '''Me, too. Thanks, Dad. '''Don: '''He'll be loved and he'll be clean, 'cause that's what we do. '''Sydney: '''So long, Rocco. I'll miss you. '''Don: '''Let's go, Kyle. '''Judy: '''Hey, noddle! '''Sydney: '''Hey, Grandma. Hey, which tattoo did you finally get? '''Judy: '''None. Who knew an electric needle could hurt so much? '''Max: '''It is easy living with Mom again? Not always, but I love the house and it's good for Sydney-- Oh, hi, Mom! '''Judy: '''What? You got another turtle? Well, you better take care of this one. I am not wandering around the neighborhood again, waving a piece of lettuce. '''Sydney: '''No, Grandma. This is Hawk. He's been living in the walls all these years. '''Judy: '''Really? Then there's still hope for the hamster. '''Max: '''You think so? '''Judy: '''Get real. Category:Transcripts Category:Season 1 Transcripts